How to enter heaven (tips for first-timers and all potential suitors)
It’s my great pleasure (and a humanitarian mission, of sorts) to induct newbies into a world beyond their wildest expectations. Hmm, what can I liken it to? Pulling a new friend through the looking glass? Slipping through the wardrobe to Narnia? Scaling the walls of a secret garden? In any case, it’s a delightful and eye-opening experience for both of us.
That said, I understand that entering this world can be intimidating, confusing and mysterious. It can feel like jumping through a set of flaming hoops with your eyes closed. Even if you're not a first-timer, every lady has different preferences. Perhaps you've gotten the cold shoulder from a provider in the past, and you're not sure why.
Here are some tips to help you take the plunge and land a date with me (and yes, I assume you want to see me. You're on my blog. Hi, soon-to-be-friend! You're cool, probably!).
Prepare to be screened. Understand that I’m screening you simply to ensure my own safety. I will bend over backwards to find a method of screening that works for you, but if you are not willing to be screened in some fashion, we’re not a match.
Email me when you have decided you want to see me, and are ready to book a date. In your initial message, include your screening info and suggest a date, time, location and duration for our date. (This would seem ridiculously forward in the civilian world, but remember, we're in a different universe here.) Allow at least 24 hours for me to screen you, clear time in my schedule and prepare for our date. Booking far in advance (say, when you're going to be in town in a few weeks) is a-ok.
Do a little homework. Read my website (oh hi, you're already here). Not only is it a great way to get to know me (and get excited about spending time with me), it’ll answer most (if not all) of your questions. While I’m thrilled to answer remaining questions, having to rehash information covered on my website disrupts the flow of our budding relationship.
I reserve the right to ask for a deposit (especially if I will be booking accommodations), and offer a variety of discreet options for submitting it. If you want to garner infinite brownie points, offer to make a deposit, or send me an e-gift card. This kind gesture will come back to you hundredfold. This is one arena where kindness absolutely pays off, every single time.
Understand our e-mail correspondence will be primarily concerned with the logistics of our appointment. My objective is to get you screened and, if you pass screening, get a date on the books. I love when suitors tell me a little bit about themselves in their initial email, and I happily devour every word you write me — but understand that in-depth conversations will wait until our date.
Feeling nervous? Let’s ease into things by enjoying a coffee date, going on a walk or visiting the batting cages. How we spend our time together is up to you.
If in doubt, book me for two hours. One hour flies by, and nerves take some time to dissipate.
Life happens — sometimes you will be slightly unsure of your schedule, or things happen outside of your control. I get it. Please be transparent and understand that when I confirm a date with you, I’m devoting my time and energy to you. If you must cancel or reschedule, shoot me a note.
So that's it. Now that you know the ropes, book a date, tiger!
And if you have any burning questions, feel free to email me!